Quest for web log analysis software

I am currently searching for a web log analysis package for our site. I have to say that the more I look at the available options the more disgusted I get. Basically what I am looking for is wel log analysis software with following features:

• Reading data from web server logs (not using custom javascript to record hits)
• Storing log data in a SQL database, so I can use SQL to generate custom reports
• Capable of generating custom reports with custom graphs and charts
• Capable of reading custom log formats (such as Apache LogFormat strings)
• Able to "drill down/zoom in" into the reports for more information
• Running on Linux, BSD or Solaris.
  

It seems that to get all of these is close to impossible.